The Twelve Days of Christmas with EdenFantasys !

I've been having a good giggle doing these blogposts about EdenFantasys so I thought it would be fun to see if I could come up with a Twelve Days of Christmas post, like I did for Next last year (here). Could be interesting ! Are you ready ? Wish me luck !

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me :

Twelve drummers drumming,

Well, this was a tough one to start with. Drums and drummers drew a blank. I thought I might be on to a winner with the phallic-sounding drumstick but even that didn't get any hits in the EdenFantasys search engine. Luckily, a bit of lateral thinking brought me to bongo drums and this bongo ring. Described as "bling for his thing" (!!), you'll have to head across to the website of you want to learn more about it, because it's just too rude for here !

Eleven pipers piping,

Now, I almost cheated and went bilingual on this one because "pipe" is French for blow job but I figured that would be cheating - and too rude for this PG-rated(ish) listing ! Well, this may be slightly (or even severely) cheating too but I'm going with this glow-in-the-dark body paint. Can't see the link with pipers piping ? Well, it's made by Pipedream - tenuous link ? Agreed but it's as good as it gets ! Moving swiftly on ...

Ten lords a-leaping,

Leaping lords ? ... Hopping men ? ... Aaah jumping peckers - that'll do nicely ! Even better, it's glow in the dark so you can even have a laugh during a power cut. Perfect as a stocking stuffer or novelty gift as it will only set you back $3.99. Giggles guaranteed, especially after a few Christmas cocktails ! 

Nine ladies dancing,

 I have found the perfect match for ladies dancing : Dancing Boobies !! They only cost $3.99 so they're the perfect jokey stocking filler or Secret Santa gift ! You could go for matching his and hers novelty gifts and pair (no pun intended) them up with the Jumping Pecker above !

Eight maids a-milking,

Well, my first thought was milk from boobs so I was thinking bras but then I decided to go for the maids part instead. From then on, it was just too easy to track down a zillion French maid outfits, including this Ooh La La Maid outfit. Now I couldn't imagine doing the cleaning in this - although it does remind me of that plotline in Desperate Housewives when women did their housework in front of a webcam wearing the skimpiest of underwear for men to watch!

Seven swans a-swimming,

Now, on to the next challenge and looking for swan brought up sex swing and Swiss Navy. Err moving swiftly on ! Let's change tack and go for the swimming part then. No swimsuits but there are some bikinis, including this pink halter-neck bikini. Very itsy bitsy (but not yellow or polka dot), it'd be better for lazing around by the pool rather than Olympic training, I think !

Six geese a-laying,

OK OK, if you want to be pedantic, it's a duck not a goose but it's close enough - cut me some slack here, I'm trying hard ! This flamboyant rubber duckie comes with a removable feather boa and real Swarovski crystal. It looks pretty (and discreet) enough to be left out on the bathroom shelf and if you're not careful, your kids will be playing with it in the bath !! Sesame Street's Ernie didn't know that generations of women would be singing along with his Rubber Ducky Song for a whole new reason !

Five golden rings,

This was always going to be the easiest one ! This 3-piece mutli-purpose ring set (they don't do sets of 5 !) are designed for "adorning your nasty sexy outfit" See ? Not the kind of ring you were expecting, right ? I've told, this is a family-oriented website so it's all PG-rated ! But you can find plenty of those over on the website too if that floats your boat !

Four calling birds,

Well, I'm not entirely sure what Calling Birds are and we've already covered ducks/geese and swans so I'll go for the calling part instead. Thing along the lines of "I Just Called To Say I Love You", I found the perfect item - this phone. But looks can be deceptive and this Vibra Phone is a discreet massager, not a cell phone. Keep it well out of the way or you'll be blushing trying to explain to your mother-in-law why she can't get a signal. You might get away with telling her that the buzzing is just static on the line though !

Three French hens,

Well, we've already covered French maids so we'll go for that other cheeky French thing - no, not Camembert, the French Kiss ! How about this Honey Rose Kissing Balm ? It sounds delicious and is packed with  organic coconut oil, raw honey, Vitamin E and almond oil so it's perfect for getting your lips perfectly kissable. Where's that mistletoe ?!

Two turtle doves,

I can see you already wondering how I got from turtle doves to massage oil, right ? Well doves are the symbol for peace. Peace is a synonym of Serenity. And the name of the fragrance attributed to this massage oil is ... ta-da ... Serenity ! Thank goodness we're getting near the end - my inspiration is running dry ! On to the final one ...

And a partridge in a pear tree!

Now, much as I laughed out loud at the name Rear Enders Pleasure Tree, I'm not going with that as it's just too rude. I'll go for the much tamer Mint Tree Bathing Gel. (See ? It's not all sex toys at EdenFantasys !) Maybe not all that tame though, as its made by a company called Kama Sutra and it contains mint tree to cool and tingle and wild clove to spread a warm glow.

And there you have it ! The very tongue-in-cheek Twelve Days of Christmas were brought to you by Madhouse Family Reviews and EdenFantasys !

*** This is a sponsored - but nevertheless 100% honest - post ! ***

Other blogposts you may be interested in :

EdenFantasys - putting the ooh into Yuletide ?!
Eden Fantasys Adult Store - Some Interesting (and Not Rude !) Secret Santa Ideas !
Board Games Definitely Not To Play With The Kids from EdenFantasys !